fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
It all started with a game of naked twister.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
