the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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