My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
