after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
