I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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