I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
