I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
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Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
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It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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