maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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