I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
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my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
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Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
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