i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
