omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
