he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
