shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
