dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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