So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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