Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
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