I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
