would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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