ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
