Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
