his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
