I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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