I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
