i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
