Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Randomize
