How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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