That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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