I will die if light touches me.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
