its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
