After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
