Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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