So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
