Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
