Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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