I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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