i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
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