I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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