I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
