Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
