Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
