ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
