Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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