He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
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I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
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Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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