My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
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