sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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