My balls are so social today.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
