and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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