I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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