My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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