i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
