Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
