Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
