I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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